Jeopardy--2004 Election Edition
 
[intro--opening credits, theme music, announcer voice over: "welcome to this special edition of Jeopardy, election 2004. Here's your host, Alex Trebek." Applause]
 
Alex:   
Thank you, and thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to this very special edition of Jeopardy, what we like to call our election year gala. Let's meet today's contestants.
 
Announcer:  
Alex, our returning champion is a [pause] a [papers shuffling, muffled tones. He continues, somewhat flustered]--a twice elected governor from the State of Texas. Please welcome George W. Bush.
 
[George Bush enters with Dick Cheney, each takes a seat]
 
Bush:   
I'm a wartime champion, Alex. [smirks]
 
Alex:   
I see--uh, Mr. Cheney, is there a reason why you've decided to appear with Mr. Bush this afternoon?
 
Cheney:  
Well Alex, we consider this nothing more than an informal gathering, for which we've willingly gone out of our way to attend--indeed, I left my secure, undisclosed location to be here today. We want to clear up any misunderstandings that may be present regarding...[Bush whispers into Cheney's ear--Cheney dismisses him with a wave of his hand] George, let me handle this.
 
Alex:  
Well, um, this is certainly--well--a little unusual. Normally our champion player appears on his own.
 
Cheney [scowls]:   
Why don't you go f**k yourself, Alex.
 
Alex [shocked]:
Hey, wait a sec--[cocks his head, presses earpiece in closer, quietly says "I see," then looks back into the camera]. Um, our panel of judges has indicated to me that, while unprecedented, Mr. Bush DOES have the right to bring Mr. Cheney with him today. By the way, some of you might be wondering why Mr. Bush IS the returning champion, having finished well below Mr. Gore in our last round. Well, in spite of losing Final Jeopardy, when he insisted that Social Security was NOT a federal program, our judges--Messrs. Rhenquist, Scalia, Thomas, Kennedy, and Ms. O'Connor, made the decision that he would be irreparably harmed by an accurate count of total winnings.
 
Bush:  
That's old news anyway. The world's a different place since 9/11--ain't that right, Dick? 
 
Cheney:  
F**k**g-A that's right,  George.
 
Alex:   
Um, please Mr. Cheney, this is a family program.
 
Cheney:  
I'm just offering a frank exchange of views, Alex. In fact, I feel a lot better now.
 
Alex:  
Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that. Now let's meet our challenger.
 
Announcer: 
Our challenger is a decorated Vietnam Veteran, a former prosecutor and now four term senator from Massachusetts--please welcome John Kerry.
 
Kerry:   
Thanks for having me on the show, Alex.
 
[Cheney and Bush snicker]
 
Bush [looking at audience, to Cheney]:   
Hey, look, there's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times.
 
Cheney:  
Big time.
 
Alex:  
Mr. Bush, you're speaking into a live microphone.
 
Bush:  
I know that...huh?
 
Alex:  
PLEASE watch your language.
 
Bush:  
I'm a family man--my biggest political influence is Jesus Christ. [aside: "goddamn right." smirks]
 
Alex:  
Well, let's get started, shall we? Mr. Bush, as our returning, uh, champion, you have control of the board.
 
Bush:  
I'll take Iraq for an $87 Billion supplemental--for now. We'll be making requests for additional 
supplementals as necessary [stares bullets into the camera] until THE MISSION is complete.
 
Alex [slightly exasperated]:
I'm sorry, Mr. Bush, but our board has a maximum of $500 for this round. Would you like to begin with that amount?
 
Bush:  
$500? That wouldn't even buy a continental breakfast at a Bush-Cheney fundraiser...
 
Cheney:
There was no possible way to know how much the war was going to cost, Alex.
 
Alex [sighs]: 
Iraq for $500--the answer is: Considered a major reason for invasion prior to the war, these items have thus far NOT been found.
 
[Cheney buzzes]
 
Alex:  
Mr. Bush--I mean, Mr. Cheney.
 
Cheney:  
Why don't you go f**k yourself, Alex. And Saddam had ties to Al Qaeda.
 
Alex:  
I'm sorry, Mr. Cheney, that was incorrect, AND you forgot to phrase it in the form of a question.
 
Bush:  
Huh? I answered ALL the questions they asked me.
 
Alex:  
I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but Mr. Kerry now gets a crack at it.
 
[Bush snickers]
 
Bush [to Cheney]:
He said CRACK!
 
[Cheney whispers sternly into Bush ear. Bush looks crestfallen--he stares blankly into space]
 
Kerry:  
What are Weapons of Mass Destruction, Alex?
 
Alex:  
Correct, Mr. Kerry. The board is yours.
 
Bush:  
Hey, wait--Florida is in MY column. Jeb told me the deal was done.
 
Alex:   
I said BOARD, not Florida, Mr. Bush. Go ahead, Mr. Kerry.
 
Kerry:  
Thank you, Alex. I'll take the economy for $100.
 
Bush:  
You can HAVE the economy for $100--and I'll even help you ship it overseas to China. [smirks]
 
[Cheney again whispers sternly into Bush's ear. Bush nods, then frowns]
 
Alex:   
The answer is: This strategy, advocated by John Maynard Keynes, is designed to lift an economy out of recession, according to the classic model.
 
Bush:  
That's a hard one, Alex. Wish you'd told me that one in advance. Lemme think about this one... 
 
Alex:  
Mr. Bush, you're required to buzz in to answer the question.
 
Bush [raises his hand]:   
Alex, let me finish! [His eyes narrow. He scowls. Cheney whispers into his ear] [to Cheney] Oh...[he fumbles with the buzzer for a bit, until Cheney shows him how to operate it]
 
[Bush buzzes] 
 
Alex: 
Mr. Bush.
 
Bush:  
Tax cuts for my base!
 
Alex:  
I'm sorry, but that's not correct--and, don't forget, on Jeopardy, you MUST phrase your response in the form of a question.
 
Bush [staring into space, lips pursed, shaking his head]:  
I can't think of a single mistake... 
 
Cheney:  
I have a question, Alex: How would you like to engage in a frank exchange of views?
 
[Kerry buzzes]
 
Alex:  
Mr. Kerry.
 
Kerry:  
What is deficit spending, Alex?
 
Alex:  
Correct, Mr. Kerry. Continue please.
 
Cheney:  
I don't think you answered MY question, Alex.
 
Alex:  
Please, Mr. Cheney, let's just continue the game.
 
Kerry:   
Terrorism for $100, Alex.
 
Alex:  
The answer is: Considered the world's most wanted terrorist, it's believed that he resides in the mountainous border region between Afghanistan and Pakistan.
 
[Bush looks puzzled. Cheney whispers into his ear]
 
[Kerry buzzes]
 
Alex:  
Mr. Kerry.
 
Kerry:  
Who is Osama bin Laden? 
 
Bush:  
I could care less about one man [Cheney whispers furiously into his ear]...I mean, unless we can make him the 'October surprise,' you know. [Cheney kicks him below the dias] Ow, that hurt! [Bush glares at Cheney. Cheney again whispers furiously into Bush's ear, then does a chopping motion with his hand as if to say 'just cool it.' Bush looks puzzled. Cheney repeats the gesture].
 
Bush:   
I want to get to the bottom of this as much as anybody, Alex [Cheney kicks him again. He glares at Bush, who looks confused and shrugs his shoulders. Cheney puts his index finger to his lips] [to Alex] I--uh--believe strongly in that...it's just...look, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me--uh...won't get fooled again. Next question.
 
Alex:  
Mr. Bush, it's Mr. Kerry who controls the board.
 
Bush:   
I make decisions and I stick to them. I believe in...an...economy, and a strong on terrorism...[shakes his head, alternately frowns and grins,  and occasionally leans into the camera]...look, we're a wartime president...I mean...we're at peace and this is a war...you're either with us...or, you're against us, because-you're-not-with-us...you see, you're against us...they're against us, the terrorists...because this is a war, like a war [fading]... 
 
[During this time, Cheney has been quietly whispering into a cellphone]
 
[enter John Ashcroft--he steps to the contestants chair, sees the microphone, and begins singing "Let the Eagle Soar." Cheney kicks HIS shin, and whispers sternly into his ear]. 
 
Ashcroft [to Cheney]:   
Uh, yes Mr. President. [Cheney glares at him] I mean, um [clears his throat, scowls into the camera]. It has come to our attention that terrorists are intending to attack the United States sometime in the 21st Century. Given that this IS the 21st century, this can mean only one thing: we are in grave danger. If the terrorists attack before the Rapture, it's entirely possible that some of the chosen people might miss their rondevouz with the Almighty--Jesus Christ, is that a calico cat?
 
[Ashcroft panics, and flees from the stage]
 
Cheney:  
John, get the hell back here--it's just someone in the audience wearing a plaid skirt. [tries to grin, but it looks more like a grimace] I'm sorry Alex--we can continue, in spite of the grave threat facing our country this century.  I remain convinced that the terror 'color code' won't change, and of a tie between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda.
 
Alex [clearly exasperated]:   
Thank you, Mr. Cheney. As I was saying, go ahead, Mr. Kerry.
 
[enter Tom Ridge]
 
Ridge:  
I'm sorry Alex, but the Department of Homeland Security has credible evidence of a terrorist threat to do something, sometime, at some place. Did I mention that this evidence was extremely credible? Now, we don't actually know what it is they intend to do, nor do we know when they intend to do it, or where. But this evidence is so--credible, and so detailed, that I think it would be a disservice to the public if we did not share it with them. And, if such an attack occurs, it would be foolish to proceed with the game--uh, I mean the elections. But, otherwise, just go about your business--as usual.
 
[Cheney grins--it still looks more like a grimace]
 
Cheney:  
Good boy, Tom.
 
Bush:  
You did a good job, Tom.
 
Cheney:  
Shut up, George.
 
[off camera, Ashcroft is heard among the audience]
 
Ashcroft:  
I don't care if you're off camera! You're showing far too much cleavage! [to an aid] Cover her up with this blue curtain--now!
 
Alex:  
Well, actually, Mr. Ridge was inadvertently correct when he announced that we can no longer proceed with the game--thanks to the interruptions, we unfortunately are all out of time, and will have to pick up tomorrow where we left off. Mr. Kerry presently holds the lead, but we'll see if Mr. Bush--and, uh, Mr. Cheney--can close the gap before November, which is about how long this game will go on if we continue to have unscheduled announcements of the kind Messrs. Ridge and Ashcroft made. In the meantime, I'd like to apologize for Mr. Cheney's language, or, as he called it, his frank exchange of views. Have a good night, and see you tomorrow.
 
[closing theme. Announcer voice over: "In addition to parting gifts, our Jeopardy contestants will receive a wrecked economy, ballooning deficits, and a quagmire knows as the invasion of Iraq. Remember, while this special edition of Jeopardy will eventually have a winner, ALL of the American people, particularly the very youngest ones, will be losers when it comes time to pay the bills for the folly of the last four years. Ah, but the future's so far away, so why worry? We'll see you tomorrow for another episode of Jeopardy, Election 2004. Good night."]
 
Taped voice over:
Promotional consideration has been given to Kellogg, Brown and Root, a subsidiary of Halliburton, in exchange for catering and laundry service.
 
Cheney:
Promotional consideration? That's it? Bulls**t! I'm gonna make some phone calls--we'd better be getting $2,000 a plate for each bag lunch and $100 per pound of laundry or they can all go f---
 
Taped voice over:
Jeopardy is a Merv Griffith Production. 
 
Cheney:
Hey, I wasn't finished! I said they can all go f--
 
[fade to black]