Put the Burrito Down, and SLOWLY Walk Away

Life imitates art, or at least farce:

A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry," school Principal Diana Russell said.
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Sgt.:
We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.

Palin:
Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sgt.:
Shut up.

Idle:
Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sgt.:
Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

Chapman:
'Arrison.

Sgt.:
Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

Chapman:
Aaagh! (dies.)

Sgt.:
Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

Palin:
You shot him!

Jones:
He's dead!

Idle:
He's completely dead!

Sgt.:
I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.

Palin:
You shot him. You shot him dead.

Sgt.:
Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

Jones:
But you told him to.

Sgt.:
Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.