"I see banned books, evidence of discontent...and expectation of an entitlement."
The Department of Homeland Security is pleased to announce the retention of one Santa Claus, aka St. Nicholas/Nic/Nick, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Sinterklaas, Papa Noel, etc. etc. as a valuable asset in the ongoing Global War on Terror®.
Along with firefighters, Claus' unique ability to "penetrate possible terrorist safehouses and strongholds" without having to trifle with pesky, nitpicky technicalities--like search warrants--was a deciding factor in his retention, said Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff.
That Geneva Convention rules neither apply at nor reach to the North Pole was another.
Kringle is also noteworthy for having compiled over the years a phenomenal amount of raw data, mostly in the form of lists, determining, among other things, "who might be with us, and who might be with the terrorists," according to President Bush and Vice President Cheney. In addition, Chertoff, other administration officials, and even members of Congress assert that numerous safeguards are already in place to assure that the privacy of law-abiding citizens will not be compromised...well, at least not compromised severely.
"I have neither the time nor the legal background to understand all the details, but I've been assured by numerous sources that 'the list' is thoroughly checked, and rechecked--twice, in fact," writes Joe Klein, arguing against a proposed Democratic measure that would limit the scope of Klaus' list to children requesting specific presents. "But I do know that Nic's got the ability to see when Johnny Taliban is sleeping--not that he ever actually sleeps, you know--and knows when the godless Muslim hordes are awake. And that sort of vigilance is crucial, because, after all, there won't BE any Christmas once we're all forced to our knees five times a day to face Mecca. Democrats, by opposing Santa's role in Homeland Security, appear to be soft on terror."
Recently a $1 billion dollar no-bid contract was awarded to Blackwater Security to provide Klaus with a security escort. To date, they've performed admirably, except for the accidental shooting of six of the eight reindeer Klaus' utilizes, um, utilized, for personal transport. Details are sketchy, but it appears the independent contractors mistook the deer, who were waiting on a nearby rooftop, for armed terrorists.
An investigation is ongoing.
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