Capt. Shrub's Address to the GOP Titanic


Good evening. I'm speaking to you from the icy North Atlantic--nearly empty, mostly, if not all water...except for the icebergs...all the way to Greenland and Newfund...Newfound...Canada.

Nobody expected icebergs in the North Atlantic. Nobody expected the bulkheads to fail.

When we realized the scope and magnitude of the disaster, we took immediate steps--identification of Scapegoats, rearrangement of deck chairs...even a call to the band for tasteful, appropriate music.


Lieutenant Blanco and Petty Officer Nagin make excellent targets for blame, and I look forward to First Officer Rove's efforts in this regard in the upcoming off-year elections. However, to the extent that I can deny it once the media cycle is over, I take, um, responsi...responsib...I made a mistake.


This time of sorrow and outrage has also been marked by acts of kindness that make all of us proud. In one lifeboat, a first-class passenger took in 15 people from steerage...Second Officer Mike Chertoff and his boy steward Brownie just informed me steerage is actually below the water line. Heckuva job, guys.

We're getting blankets by the dozen to those who need them. Faith-based programs are providing prayer, and the federal government will be
letting contracts by the billions of dollars. Vice President Cheney himself has taken a personal interest in the allocation of contracts.

We will rebuild the Titanic, whatever the cost--and this time, there will be no steerage section below the water line. Thank you all, god bless, and GOD BLESS THE GOP.