Bottoms Up


Hurricanes are sooo 2005. Sorry, no link--but if anyone knows who to credit, let me know and I'll update.

Mandatory Evacuation

1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz. vermouth
Clamato
Prune juice
Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of glass with
equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door neighbor
whose ficus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof ­ even though you'd
warned him for months to uproot it ­ if you can use his bathroom. Repeat.

Category 5

1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin
Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice
Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill remainder
of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir, then garnish
with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm hours, and vow not
to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded your
garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.


Cone of Probability

1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV weatherman
say, "cone of probability," bite off the end of the cone and down the shot.
If you hear Bryan Norcross say it, drink two shots consecutively.

Feeder band

2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail glass. Add
a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer. Stir, and
drink through a straw.

Beach Erosion

1 1/2 oz. Goldschläger
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw
Combine Goldschläger, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As you
drink, seriously contemplate moving your ass back to New Jersey where it
belongs.

Downed Power Line

1 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to figure out
how the hell you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks without television.

Flood Zone

2 oz. Kahlúa
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess spills all
over the countertop.


Cold Shower

2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after waiting in
line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep breath, sip and
scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits your tongue. Repeat.

Looters Will Be Shot

1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsaparilla
Rock salt
Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of your
house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and can of sarsaparilla. Fill shot
glass with Jack and splash of sarsaparilla. Watch for looters. When you spot
one, blast his ass with rock salt. Drink shot. Repeat.

The Chain Saw

1 oz. Goldschläger
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth
Combine Goldschläger, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can. Add
splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and attempt to cut
up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive you to hospital when it
all goes horribly wrong.

Four-Way Stop

1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine
Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to yourself and
three other people. The person with the clear shot of vodka drinks first.
The person to his right drinks the Midori shot, and so on. If somebody
drinks out of order, develop a quick case of road rage and beat the living
crap out of him.

Blue Tarp

1 1/2 oz. Hpnotiq
2 oz. pineapple juice
Splash of lime
Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to eight months
for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient, hire an unlicensed,
out-of-state contractor to do the job for an exorbitant sum and pray he
doesn't hurt himself in the process.

FEMA Fizzle

1 oz. Southern Comfort
2 oz. sloe gin
Tonic water
One week after the storm has passed and your neighborhood is still in ruins
with no sign of help on the way, combine Southern Comfort and gin in a
cocktail glass. Fill remainder with tonic and add a dash of Angostura
bitters. Serve with a nut brownie. Before drinking, raise the glass and say
the toast, "Doing a heckuva job!"